Cloe C

It is not my fault my poetry is heavy. Like a book left outside in the rain. And when you go to pick it up, your arms give out because you cannot carry it. From the pages saturated and soaked in water. See I tried to make happy poems except it turns hopeless instantly. Writing about how I'm on a beach making sand castles. But except I feel the sorrow from drowning in the waves of the ocean. Or how the sky bends with blues that I feel so deeply in my bloodline. How the sun is something that I can never feel. I tried to write something happy like a carnival except I relate it to back to a rollercoaster ride. Feeling the highs and lows of sadness and grief. I tried to write about art except when I see always see a canvas filled with emotions of pain and terror. I write about being in a meadow filled with flowers except I stumble upon a rose and it pricks me as I bleed and bleed and bleed. I'm cursed with seeing the negative side of everything.
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I sleep. No, I wander. I wander through hopeless memories. All the blank pages in my mind. Blank isn't the right word, blank is white and unfinished. What I mean by blank is filled to the brim with pure nothingness. pitch black like every time I close my eyes. I close my eyes and cannot move. I can't move not because I'm asleep, its because sleep is what I am not. My conscious self is on earth, my body is on another planet. I can not move I feel stuck in blackness. This is how most nights feel. Either this or I go on walks to sooth my restless mind. Walks they are-
only my mind is not present and I can't control where I go, I can't remember where I go, im mindless. Im walking on an ocean. An ocean of happiness I can't baptize myself in. The ocean gets more wet except the ocean is filled with sweat, sweat from running from all my problems. Exhaustion fills my body. That is the pure moment I realize I am asleep, the wetness is beads of sweat on my forehead from the 16th night terror this week.
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Those butterflies I get, fill up my whole body and when I try to speak most of the time, I fumble with every word I say and forget everything I was thinking. Those butterflies always found a way out, maybe they were meant for you. See my brain has somehow been hardwired into the thought of you. From reality morphed into how you seem to make each moment precious. How every second with you is like a dream, only a dream I won't forget even if I were hypnotized because you are unforgettable. The way you make seconds into hours and hours into eternity only with an end result of me wanting an eternity with you.
I used to fear falling in love. I thought of it as a person tripping, falling into a pitch dark well where you cannot see a bottom. Never knowing when your body will hit the water… you fall and, on the fall, you feel scared, shaking, cold, new to the experience… Maybe this is how falling in love is…. You're like the wind… you have the ability to sweep me off my feet and make me trip, to make me fall, fall in love. Maybe I can't see my future or when I will hit the bottom of the well…but maybe this is because there is no bottom… the well and true love are both endless… Yes, maybe the fall is sudden, and you can't see where you are going, and yes maybe it is a bit scary, but knowing that you were the one who swept me off my feet I know that when I eventually hit the bottom of the well, you will catch me, just as you inspired the fall.
I used to fear what happens after you fall out of love with a person… but I now know that true love, is endless. You see even after you fall into the well of love… it is not so scary anymore… I now know that at the bottom after I'm head over heels and have fallen, you did indeed catch me at the bottom… Yes, the well came to an end, but the experience did not. See now I'm not alone anymore. You inspired a fall so that therefore you can catch me when I fall… Now you have me and we can continue the fall together… Now it is not a fall… Now it is a journey.
Throughout this journey, we create a life together… Now every high and low point I will not be alone… I will have someone to comfort me. As my breath becomes shallow but yet rapid… the pitter-patter of my heart as it sings out symphonies. These symphonies work their way up from my heart and to my lips, through your lips and down your heart… As our lips combine our two hearts as one.
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when life gives you lemons
you squeeze them in your eyes instead of make lemonade.
then you go through your kitchen frantically splashing water in your eyes
then the water is warm water and it makes your eyes burn
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my body is hollow,
my chest caves in and my fingers cannot move.
there is just thought bubbles in my head without any answers.
I cannot focus I cannot think, I don't even know the date.
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Remember the first time he told you he liked you more than he should
He was also saying his dogs were beasts
while he was hiding under a table like prey
But of course, it will still give you butterflies
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while he stamps my lips with his sweet presence
while he grabs my waist, slides it down as I like slides from his lips
'I love you'
the way he excuses using me in his head
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I said this boy used to make me fall in love again with him everyday
I said this boy made me feel happy and did small things
like pay attention to small things, listen, even ask me how I am
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I'm worried about you. are you ok?
you look like you got bit by a vampire..
your deranged, discolored and delirious.
you haven't slept in days, you have eye bags so big they could be used to carry all of the worlds problems without any struggle.
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I don't really know how to feel
How do you feel something when you just feel normal all the time
I stare at my wall for hours and hear the fear that lurks from silence
Silence came from when the pain started
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I am a walking time bomb
one touch and I burst
the fear of being alive everyday has turned me dynamic
I don't remember the last time walking down a street felt safe
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Depression is a poison that seeps into the soul,
A darkness that consumes, a black hole.
It drags you down into the depths of despair,
A weight on your chest, a suffocating air.
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I look around the room with an innocent smile
ask everyone are you ready
is my judge ready
mere moments before I start spewing out statistics aggressively
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In 3rd grade on my friends birthday while playing jump rope
my friend was gifted with a bloody nose
the nurse said no one must clean the blood up
blood can contain viruses that you can conceive from touch
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I'm a storyteller
the tips of my tongue dances with the butterflies that was once gave to me
my mouth is a graveyard that is too damaged to speak
my eyes staring into your soul and coming out of hell to get back
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I'm the strong friend
I'm the friend that keeps going even though life wants to weigh me down
I'm the one friend that is still there for you after you gave them every reason not to
I'm that one friend whos counting reasons not to die to help me fall asleep
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there are so many reasons to live, you just might not know them yet
life can be so beautiful if you believe hard enough
but I started becoming blind
so I wrote this checklist
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I woke up today
lucky enough that I didn't actually get absorbed into my nightmares
luckily everyone I know is still alive
luckily I'm not cut in a million pieces
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I'm like a paper you crumbled into a butterfly
you made me soar and fly through the night sky
folded me straight in the day then
I'm never going to really going to be the same again
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You want to know how I got carpal tunnel?
I couldn't stop pressing buttons in my heart
My heart had a meltdown and needed rewiring
I spent my days and nights wiping away my tears
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